What's the meaning...?

I am having one of those days.

You know...the one where everything goes wrong and you realize just how much saving you really need.

Oh, and my microwave just died.

Just now.

Sigh.

If I'm really honest, the crux of it is that I'm sitting here looking at everyone else around me (a.k.a. moms worldwide) and seeing all that they are doing, and wondering 'what in the world am I doing here?'.

I hate that feeling.

Why do I always feel like I have to have some big meaning for my life? Why do I feel like I'm not measuring up?

I battle this one too often.

So I'm praying, and asking.

I reach for my "Jesus Calling" devotional, opening myself up.

And, of course, God speaks...I did ask Him to just moments ago...

"The fact that I am with you makes every moment of your life meaningful". 

Right. Okay.

Deep breath.

You are SO loved by God!

I have to admit that I've never really had a handle on God's love for me. I try to...really try to get it. But I can't really grasp it. If I did, I'd be living a different life. A free, full of love life. An authentic self life. Man, that sounds good!

So I've been praying...asking that God will help me get it. Help me see it. And mostly, help me really understand it in my soul. Right down to my toes.

This morning I had a glimpse of it...and it actually made sense to me.

I was driving and listening to music like I usually do. A song came on called "Back in His arms again", and as I listened to the song, I was trying to understand it.

"Back in His arms again"?

When did we leave His arms?

Suddenly my mind flashed an image of God holding this tiny little baby in His arms and I realized that baby was me! The love on His face as He looked down at me...

THE LOVE!

I was a crying hot mess in minutes because I could feel the love. Oh. My. Goodness. Folks. He loves us SO much.

In that moment I understood His pain of releasing me into the world, of His hoping that I could stay close to Him. That I would remember the important things like how much He loves me, that He wants so much for me, that I am redeemed. Forgiven. Forever.

It made me think of my own kids and how I feel when I release them for the day to school or some activity. Will they remember their manners? Will they be safe? Will they remember how much Mommy and Daddy loves them, and especially how much their Heavenly Father loves them more?

I've never really imagined God feeling like that for me.

But in that moment, in that one image, I realized that He loves me so much, and He has plans for me. And that He cares about all my moments; the big ones and the little ones too. He cares SO much more than I realized.

So you, You Beautiful Child of God, know that you are deeply and desperately loved by an all powerful Father.

Know it to the tips of your toes and never forget it. Never let anything get in the way of that truth.

You are SO loved just as you are!

Will you choose to be an olive tree?

"But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God; I trust in the mercy of God forever and ever."
                                                       Psalm 52:8 (NKJV)

This was the verse I received today. At first I didn't get it. But as I reread it again and again it started to work its magic over me.

I decided to take a little time and find out what was so special about an olive tree, that God would use that tree as a comparison for a life.

The strengths of an Olive Tree:
- can live up to 500 years
- can survive harsh climates
- has a sturdy root system that protects the tree from drought, fire, etc.
- has the ability to regenerate even after the tree trunk is destroyed
- "Full of vitality and with prospects of many productive years"

Okay, I want to be an olive tree.

I want to be that person that remains strong through it all. That, even though my leaves and branches, and even my trunk, take a beating, I stand strong. I am productive. I endure.

I started to wonder what can destroy an olive tree. What am I up against?

The weaknesses of an Olive Tree:
- it is not invincible
- use of infected tools and bad watering practices can kill it over time

The destruction of this tree would probably be subtle and slow. So slow that it wouldn't see it coming. Like a frog boiled slowly, so slowly, to death.

And that made me think about myself; my mind and body. If I view myself as an olive tree, what are my watering practices? What tools do I use to prune myself? Are my tools infected? Where does the water come from? What am I allowing to filter into my mind and soul? Do I get my resources from the world or from God?

What is my root system like? Does it run deep and wide? Will it help me withstand the battles of this world?

If I am an olive tree, how do I stay healthy? How do I endure?

Hmm.

I reread the verse again. Personalized it for me.

"But Krista is like a green olive tree in the house of God; Krista trusts in the mercy of God forever and ever."

And then I saw it.

The answer. The subtle (or maybe not so subtle?) hint.

I will endure BECAUSE I trust in His mercy forever.

Forever.

No pause. No break. Forever.

So, in the midst of your circumstances today, whatever is happening; the grief, the stress, the heartbreak, the loneliness...whatever it is, choose to be an olive tree through it all.

Cry out to Him in your pain. Call out to Him; "Help me!" and He will come.

You can be an olive tree too.

Will He save me again...?

I have taken up the dare. The counting of 1000 gifts. It is time.

Time to set aside the pains of this life and take up the grace. Time to spin my thoughts and see the good in everything...even the pain.

And I can do this.

And I want to do this.

And yet, in the very next breath, I feel overwhelmed by a wave of nauseous grief mixed with fear.

And I have to ask Him; "How do I live the thanks in the day to day of my life as I am now?"

How do I see past what stands in front of me every second of every moment that I live, breath, move, think, act.

How do I push past this desperation for change when I can't even see it coming? Can't even feel it getting close? When it hits me with every move I make?

And I struggle with believing that even this...this listing of 1000 gifts of thanksgiving, this small act can change anything. Change me?

I know He is here...in these moments where it hurts so much I can barely breath. Where I feel desperate for release. And He comes to my aid over and over again. Every time I ask it, even in my anger, He comes. He moves. He saves.

And yet my heart asks; "Will You save me from myself again?"

In the quiet, He answers; "I will always save you."

And so I count that too. My God will save me.

I keep on. I urge myself forward. Counting again.

Counting.

Counting.

"Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure." Psalm 16:5

Day One: Beginning Again

I'm starting off this year honestly in telling you that I did not want to get out of bed this morning.

I did not want to start a whole new year....again.

The whole idea of it felt...well, daunting really.

I've never really been a big New Years person and I don't usually make new years resolutions. 

Last year I did conquer a few mountains that needed to be conquered and I'm proud of that. But starting all over again...oy!

In six days the kids will go back to school and I will have to get back to real life again. And that scares me a little. We've had a lovely Christmas holiday so far. The kids have been fabulous (and sleeping in...this is a Christmas miracle!) but I'm beginning to realize that I have the makings of a recluse. I fight the desire to just stay in my house and hide away every day. Don't get me wrong, I am a social person. I actually love people and have a great time with friends and family. But sometimes, most times, I'm just plain tired. I don't want to plaster a smile on my face and go out there and brave the world. I want to stay in where it's safe, and quiet, and...safe.

At the same time, I keep feeling like I should be more involved with different things (like church, friends, outreach, etc.) but when I pray about each of them I feel like God is saying "wait".

Wait for what? 

So last night, as I laid in bed trying to fall asleep, I "got real" with God and asked Him what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. And I suddenly remembered the "Jesus Calling" app I had downloaded on my phone, so I opened it. I started on December 27 suitably entitled "I Am Preparing You" (God has a great sense of timing...and humor).  It read;

"I am preparing you for what is on the road ahead, just around the bend. Take time to be still in my presence so that I can strengthen you."

I read on to; "How much better it is to walk close to Me, depending on My strength and trusting Me in every situation. If you live in this way, you will do less but accomplish far more."

Okay, so I get it.

"Wait."

I can do that.

Our Joy Jar of 2012

P.S.  In the summer, while waiting in a doctor's office, I read about starting a "Joy Jar". It sounded great so I came home and announced that we were starting one. I explained that whenever anything good happened to us, as a family or individually, or if we are thankful for something, we write it down on a piece of paper with our name and put it in the Joy Jar. On New Years Eve, we'll take turns reading them out.

Maggie reading the first entry in our Joy Jar

We read ours today after breakfast, and after the traditional breaking of our gingerbread village. And I have to say, it was wonderful! We all enjoyed it and look forward to filling our joy jar even more in 2013.

Isaiah's turn to read

Highly recommend the Joy Jar!

Fiona's Joy Jar Entry: KAYAK (she tried kayaking for the first time this summer and loved it)

P.S.S.  My kids woke up this morning and cleaned their rooms without being asked. 

And I would have to say...that's a pretty nice way to start 2013.

God bless you as your start this new year in Him.

Within the chaos...

Today I feel scattered.

Definitely a bit overwhelmed. 

Thoughts are running amuck in my brain. Too much going on in this moment for me. 

And all I really want is for the peace of God to come and fill me.

Breathe, Girl, breathe.

And remember that God is in the midst of all of it. All the things going on around you. The pains of life. The worries of tomorrow. Every part of your today, He is there with you.

"You will hear your Teacher’s voice behind you. You will hear it whether you turn to the right or the left. It will say, “Here is the path I want you to take. So walk on it.” Isaiah 30:2

I must keep close and hold fast to Him. And keep giving it all back to Him. Every moment of the day. 

I can do this.

"He will not allow your foot to be moved. He who keeps you will not slumber."
Psalm 121:3

When waiting feels like forever...

I don’t know about you but one of the hardest things for me to do is to just sit and wait. I’m pretty patient when it comes to the small stuff but with the big stuff, like what to do with my life, I stink at waiting.

And I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out how to make it mean something. But what if God already has that figured out and all I have to do is follow His leading? His timing?

Can I do that?

I’ve made a big change in my life over the past few weeks. As I said before, I’ve always been very crafty and have had success in selling my crafts. It always made me feel successful, capable, worthwhile. It gave me purpose.

Two weeks ago all the desire and passion I had for crafting just up and left me. It was weird…very weird. And very quiet. Surprisingly, it’s okay. I’m okay with it. It actually feels pretty good. I’d just finished sewing 125 felt birds (yes, it was crazy!) for a wedding order. That was my final sale for my Etsy shop that I had set up a year ago.

But two weeks ago, I asked God to speak to me (and not just in a whisper) and show me what He wants me to do with my life. I was feeling a twinge that something wasn’t quite right with my time management. His first step was to clear house, a.k.a. my Etsy shop. This freed up a lot of time for something else that had been nagging at me for the past six months; writing.

So here I sit, writing. And it feels great! I have no idea what God will do with my writing, but it feels right.

With everything I’ve been reading over the past week; the bible, and authors that I trust and respect, I can hear God say the same thing to me over and over again:

“Just be with Me. Stop trying to figure out what you are supposed to do and trust Me to make it happen for you. Trust Me to show you your worth. You don’t have to earn it. I already have a plan for you.”

This was hard for me to comprehend and accept because I've always believed I had to make something of myself. That I had to figure out what I was supposed to be doing in my life.

Sarah Young, author of “Jesus Calling” * (which I recommend you read) writes in one of her devotionals: “Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well-being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you and spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to Me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and My purposes.”

This really spoke to my heart.

In so many ways.

For the past year I’ve had such a struggle with my faith. Things have surfaced from my childhood that completely slammed me to the ground. They really shook the foundation of my faith in God. My ability to really trust that He could keep me safe. That He really cared about me and what happened in my life. That He even existed. That He could and would protect me with my future.

So for the past year I’ve tried, in vain, in my own strength to figure it all out. To make sense of it. To get answers. To discover the 'whys' of what happened to me.

And I’ve learned…there are none.

I'm beginning to realize that I don’t need the answers. There are no answers that could explain what happened to me and why. There is nothing to be said that can take away the pain. I need the peace and contentment to just walk, to move forward.

One step at a time.

One day at a time.

To just trust my Heavenly Father who loves me and is continually working on my behalf to make me a new creation.

“The Lord will vindicate me; your love, Lord, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.” Psalm 138:8

Don’t get me wrong, it’s slightly torturous for me. Okay, it’s really bad. And I spend a lot of time praying for patience these days. I wasn’t kidding when I said I stink at waiting.

But I see it now. The need to just stay in step with Him. To keep in communication with Him. To keep my mind stayed on Him. And He will do the rest. He will carry me, sustain me, and rescue me.

When you don’t stick by Him, you won’t trust. Anything. You’ll doubt. Everything. (I’m speaking from personal experience here). And that’s when you get lost. That’s when you lose your way and your hope. That’s a choice you make, not Him. That is your will at work, not His. 

So what will you do today? Trust Him or walk it alone?

Andrew Murray writes; “Just as much as it was God’s work to create it, it is His work to maintain it,” meaning God has a plan for you and me. He will do it. Let’s not get in the way of it. Let’s just do our best to follow it.

“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16

He has a plan for us. He has a specific, unique plan for you.

Are you lost? Are you struggling in your faith? Go back to Him and rest in the assurance that He is carrying you in the palm of His hand. Read the bible, talk to Him in prayer. Spend time with those God followers who really know Him personally. Saturate yourself in Him. Call out to Him and He will save you.

He can and will deliver you. Yes, even you :)

“Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob, all the remnant of the people of Israel, you whom I have upheld since your birth, and have carried since you were born. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 46: 3-4

(* “40 days with Jesus: celebrating His presence” by Sarah Young)