I have taken up the dare. The counting of 1000 gifts. It is time.
Time to set aside the pains of this life and take up the grace. Time to spin my thoughts and see the good in everything...even the pain.
And I can do this.
And I want to do this.
And yet, in the very next breath, I feel overwhelmed by a wave of nauseous grief mixed with fear.
And I have to ask Him; "How do I live the thanks in the day to day of my life as I am now?"
How do I see past what stands in front of me every second of every moment that I live, breath, move, think, act.
How do I push past this desperation for change when I can't even see it coming? Can't even feel it getting close? When it hits me with every move I make?
And I struggle with believing that even this...this listing of 1000 gifts of thanksgiving, this small act can change anything. Change me?
I know He is here...in these moments where it hurts so much I can barely breath. Where I feel desperate for release. And He comes to my aid over and over again. Every time I ask it, even in my anger, He comes. He moves. He saves.
And yet my heart asks; "Will You save me from myself again?"
In the quiet, He answers; "I will always save you."
And so I count that too. My God will save me.
I keep on. I urge myself forward. Counting again.
"Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure." Psalm 16:5