Do you ever get that ache in your gut for life to change? For it to get just a little easier? For something to give?
I yearn for new beginnings. New beginnings sounds nice.
I am coming close to a crossroads and, to be honest, it’s freaking me out just a little. I am mother to three wonderful children and my youngest will start kindergarten in the fall. Meaning I will be childless from nine in the morning until three in the afternoon. 6 hours to myself.
Can’t. Even. Imagine.
I’ve been shadowed by a little one for over nine years now. Never alone. Not even in the bathroom...yes, I’ve tried.
So…what to do with all that time?
Sure, sure, there’s the norm; the laundry, the vacuuming, the cleaning, and other household duties, and I have no problem with those daily tasks. But I want more.
And I want the ‘more’ to matter.
I’ve spent the past nine years raising kids, hanging with friends, church and bible study going, and crafting my time away. I even managed to set up shop and sell many of my crafts, but I have no passion for crafting now. I have a passion to figure out what God would like me to do with my free time. With my future.
If I ask, will He answer?
I love writing. Really love it. And I ‘think’ it’s a God-given talent. So maybe there’s something there. But what would it look like? Fiction? Non-fiction? A blog like this?
I can be a very patient person but today I’m not feeling so patient.
I feel starved for usefulness.
I feel desperate for some semblance of importance.
With child-like wonder, I want to make a difference somehow. Leave my mark…somewhere.
But I wonder if that’s so important to God. Because I don’t think it’s about leaving a mark for Him. And that scares me a little. Because I do want to matter.
Humbly, I am reminded that I matter to God and that’s enough.
Not so humbly, there is a part of me that wants to matter in the world.
And every time I hear or read of someone finding their mark, as happy as I am for them, I feel a twinge of disappointment in myself.
Am I wasting time? Did I miss my chance? Can my life really make a difference?
But mostly, I wonder; does God really care about whether or not I make my mark?
So I guess I’m searching for contentment…to be okay with being me just as I am. To be whoever God wants me to be, whether I am well known or not so well known.
I really, really want that.
I have another twelve years of teaching opportunities with my children. And I don’t want to squander that. I know that God has blessed me with my kids and I want to honour that. But I need something for just me too. I want to find the balance of my husband, my children, and myself.
There is something stirring in my gut, and I’m on a quest to find out what it is. Hence this blog.
This blog is going to be me talking to myself (and you) until I discover what God is stirring up in me. I’m excited but a little hesitant. Slightly nervous but feeling ready for change. As author Holley Gerth* would say; “I’m encamped” and I’m ready for my cloud to move.
As I write this blog, I’d love to hear from you. What is God telling you? He is stirring you up for something too? do you feel like you are on the verge of a great God moment? And does it scare you a little?
Let’s make a pact to not be afraid of this. Let’s take each other’s hands and go for it!
I’m in! Are you?
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)
* Holley Gerth’s book “You’re already amazing” chapter 5. Check out her website here: www.holleygerth.com